Where Am I?

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking – hoping, wishing, wanting – of where I want to be. I want to be healthy, I want to be at a manageable, healthy weight and I want my choices to be long-term, lifestyle changes.

But where am I right now?

Right now, I’m miserable yet not unhappy enough to stop myself from eating everything in sight. In a joking way, I brush off my poor food choices and pretend like those days (weeks, months…) don’t actually happen and I pretend like I am in control. I tell myself, “Oh, I’ll stop on Monday,” or “The reason I’m not serious about my weight loss is because I know when I start, I’ll lose weight and it won’t be that hard.”

The reason that usually wins out? “I just need to eat XYZ one last time because once I’m healthy, I won’t ever be able to eat it again.”

I have a serious problem. That’s step one, right? Admitting you have a problem. Although, I live in a constant state of denial.

Physically, I’ve gained back most of the weight that I had lost. My clothes don’t fit. I have so much extra weight that walking – simple walking! – has become a chore. I’m always tired. I’m in a constant state of lazy.

Emotionally, I’m living between guilt and denial. Sometimes I think, “I’m not THAT fat” or “I’m not THAT unhealthy,” knowing that I’m just lying to myself. I know I make Peter feel awkward because I’m constantly asking him, “How can you love someone who looks like me?”

I’ve skipped my last two Weight Watchers meetings because I don’t want to know how much weight I’ve gained. That’s totally contrary to the whole point of weight watchers, but I feel ashamed. Also, but not facing the scale, that gives me license to continue on my destructive path (makes total sense, right? Sigh…).

Tomorrow, Monday July 29th marks 73 days until Peter and I leave on our belated honeymoon. We’ve waited four years to take this trip and I refuse to let my weight keep me from enjoying our time together. I know I won’t make my goal weight in those 73 days, but I hope I can get myself on track and at least be at a point where I can feel somewhat better about myself.

How am I going to do that? Well, stepping on the scale and facing the number is step one. Step two will be to set a weight loss goal. Step three will be to make a plan. Step four is to stick to the plan. Somewhere along those steps I need to constantly – and consistently – measure my progress along the way and figure out how to have a “normal” and healthy relationship with food. I need to learn to fuel my body, not treat it like a trash can.

Tonight I hope to toast my old ‘fat’ ways and learn to not only live a healthy lifestyle, but to also learn to love myself in the process.

(Yup, again, broken record-ville, population: me.) (Side note: perhaps comments like the previous sentence aren’t very helpful to that ‘love myself’ part of the process…)

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